Mom and I on a buggy ride through Central Park, NYC 2009
One year ago today I sat by my Mothers side as she transitioned into the her final phase. Whispering goodbye, I knew that her time had come and that to wish for her to stay here with me would only be selfish. She didn’t have to fight anymore. In my eyes, her battle was won, she fought the fight and finally, it was time for her to rest.
Following the death of a loved one, it is those of us left behind who then face the struggle. Saying that I miss my Mother is simply an understatement. She was my best friend. An absolutely incredible woman that spread kindness and could make light of any situation, no matter how terrible.
My Mother was sick for many years. Most of the recent memories I have of her are those of trying to make sense of her illness and offering care and support in her time of need. Over the past year, I have found myself panicking, struggling to remember her as a physically healthy woman, trying to recount everyday we had together, rebuilding her body in my mind until I see her again.
As I grieve I’m slowly learning that memories are not forced they just exist and are triggered by an action, a place, a smell, a taste… And when you’re lucky enough to relive a moment in time it is more meaningful than you ever thought that moment would be.
Over the past few months, in preparation for this day when those she loved reflect back on her final hours, I have been keeping track of these memories. Trying to remember those brief moments where I revisit her and the times we had together, so that I could create this post and have a permanent online record (so new age) of some of my most precious memories.
Although most of you have no clue what I’m talking about, nor will you have the history to understand why they might be special, know that each of these memories are what I hold most dear to my heart and I will never forget them. Each one brings a smile to my face and today, that is what I will celebrate.
I remember:
How hard we laughed that time Dad brought home the huge Christmas Ham…
Throwing rocks on the beach in Grand Bend…
The time I cried at sleepover camp because they served Rigatoni and it made me miss you…
That piece of lint always stuck in your gold chain…
“Cath… do you like beans? I like beans…”
The time we got into a big fight and I wrote you an apology note where in closing, I asked if you would make me a sandwich and leave it outside my bedroom door…
The jumping game when I was little, “hut 1! hut 2!”
The time we came home from the mall and Mugsie was meowing at the neighbours door after being lost for 9 days…
Your strength when Nana and Papa passed away…
Cleaning my first condo and sleeping on my mattress, on the floor, the first night…
The horse and buggy ride through Central Park followed by tea at the Russian Tea Room…
Making paintings with potato cutout stamps on the balcony at Lorraine Ave…
How hard we laughed that time we heard the Michael Bolton song come on the radio while driving on the number 6 highway into Hamilton…
Your hands, always pudgy, soft and warm…
Your stretched ear lobes from all the gigantic earrings you loved so much…
Glitter, sparkles and red lipstick…
The time you thought you saw one of the Blue Jays at the Little Short Stop…
How we referred to that lady at the hospital as a Russian war radio… Never the right frequency…
Making Cabbage Rolls together for the first time…
How hard you and Aunt Donna used to laugh about Nana…
“What exit do we take Mom?” “Dartnell, D-A-R-T-N-E-L-L, Dartnell”
The time you went back to Sobey’s to get your receipt…
That dinner at the Olive Garden with Trev in the States…
How you made everyone feel loved and included…
The look you got in your eyes when you were offering care or nurturing someone…
That time I cried so hard and you calmed me down just by touching me…
You and Jabba…
The wooden spoon you bought me in the States…
When Trev and I told you we were getting married…
The dream I had of you in Bora Bora…
The last thing I said to you…
I count on reliving a million more memories as I live my life without my Mother. It brings me closer to her and in a way, makes me feel like she’s right here with me. If I ask anything of anyone who knew her, I would ask that you remember her too, even if you only knew her for a moment, so that you could tell me more about her and we can honor a spectacular woman who I’m sure, will never be forgotten.
With love forever.
I tend to be pretty good at it and hey, nothing like splurging on 5000 jelly beans! (the folks at Bulk Barn must’ve thought I was insane… #crazyjellybeangirl). Anyways, after a long day of running around, feeling very cold, tired, and to be honest, a bit on the cranky side… I walked out of the grocery store and the sky was just grinning from ear to ear with this glorious sunset! I have been lucky enough to have traveled to some beautiful, distant, tropical locations but seriously, we don’t have to go anywhere to appreciate the beauty of our planet. It’s right there, smiling down on us everyday and every night 
